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Facing my fears

Posted on Thu Jul 2nd, 2015 @ 12:39pm by Commander Mercia Kavi
Edited on on Thu Oct 22nd, 2015 @ 6:09pm

Mission: Discovery

Mercia was taking a day off. David had long gotten up to deal with paperwork, after much whining and playful begging from her to make him stay with her a few more hours at least. He'd promised to try and finish up early tonight and spend some time with her, but Mercia knew just how much work he had ahead of him and didn't have much hope. It just was how it was, his workload was huge right now.

She laid on the bed half under the covers, listening to music, her fingers playing with the cloth doll she'd have since she was an infant. It was old and worn. The entire thing was made of of a hankie, the head was a round bit of stuffing with a bit of lace sewn to make a bonnet. The top corners were knotted and connected as if they were praying hands, and the rest flared out like a skirt with a bit of lace running along the bottom. Molly, her mother, had made this doll for her out of Molly meager savings. Slaves didn't have much money.

Mercia sighed, thinking about her mother, it had been a long time since she'd reflected. Her life had changed so much. Mercia had a good career and friends! Never did she think she would ever have such things. Maybe life wasn't so bad after all, it wasn't as if she didn't have things to work on.

Like her current terror. Holodecks. Ever since she was manipulated by a hologram, whom she'd befriended, he'd made her kill holographic versions of every one she loved, and then put her in a position to actually kill one of them. Now she couldn't see a hologram or go on the holodecks with out intense panic and fear. That needed to change. Mercia missed her holodeck programs, she wanted to fight, to dance, and she wanted to go to the beach.

She'd not been off ship on leave in months more than an hour on to a station, not since the incident that had started the whole terror. She missed her holoprograms. The training, exercise, enjoyments, swimming, getting a feel of nature again...

Mercia sighed and sat up laying the doll out in front of her and running her fingers over the worn fabric. This doll had been with her every moment. She'd learned at a young age how to wrap it up tightly so it fit in her pocket. That and the data chip were her more precious possessions, at least now she had back ups of the data chip stored, she'd never lose those images of her mother. The doll however, she protected. Any one of the very few people who knew her intimately knew that when she had the doll out she was dealing with something hard deep down inside of her.

Glancing at the clock, it was nearing lunch time, and she'd yet to eat. Her rumbling stomach was urging her to get up out of bed. She sighed and picked the cloth doll up and rubbed the fabric against her cheek for a moment, closing her eyes. She could see her mother rubbing the doll against Mercia's cheek, teasing her with 'Angel kisses'. The action might seem silly, but it was filled with so much memory.

With what seemed almost like reluctance she put the doll back in her night stand where it was safe. She was glad Elian never knew about the doll, if so he might have destroyed it to torment her. He made her destroy every thing else she'd loved, and she was still recovering from that.

When her feet hit the carpet she pulled herself up and got dressed in some shorts with tight pink tank top and a small black jacket over it. She slipped her feet in to some sandles and headed in to the living space and replicated a brunch for herself. Most days of the week she tried to catch lunch with David, it didn't always work due to missions and meetings, but they seemed to make an effort. Same with the morning walks to different departments. It was important to David that the different departments see the command team, and see them as accessible. Recently though it seemed their walks happened at different times. Such was the life of busy people. Davids work load had vastly increased, and so had Mercia's. Would life ever settle in to a solid pattern?

Mercia picked at her food slowly, her mind going every where at once. From things she had to make sure she did tomorrow during work, to things about her and Davids work, to the fight she had with Khelev a few months ago, to wondering how Vanora was fairing on her little mission, thoughts about Emmah and how Mercia's skin still crawled when she was close to her.

Her aversion to Emmah was annoying people, particularly David who had created a PA position for the hologram, and she had proven to be extremely helpful to his work, taking a lot of burden off of him. He wanted Mercia to accept Emmah, and she was trying, but she couldn't see the woman with out thinking of Elian, which led her to think of the dozens of times that Elian forced her to murder holographic versions of David, even though she hadn't known they were holographic.

Shoving her plate back she leaned back in the chair and folded her arms feeling sick to her stomach. Her assassin skills had kept her safe many times, but she'd attacked David in her sleep a few times, when she had nightmares and he wasn't quick enough to get out of the way. She'd never hurt him truly, but she was scared she would. The anguish of seeing his blood all over herself was not something she ever wanted to experience again. It hadn't been real though. It had been Elians devious and disgusting game to break her away from David, to try and become her caretaker and mentor. Elian had wanted to break her apart and form her in to what he wanted, he thought it had been his right. He was wrong, and Mercia was stronger than him when the moment came. When she saw the real David, it suddenly became clear the others had been fakes, and it had been enough so stop her from killing him.

So why did she still have terror of all things holographic? She knew it had been fake, she knew that she had to encounter and deal with holograms. She wanted to be able to use them again, but it had come to the point she'd take longer routes getting through the ship if it meant not walking near the entry points.

"Enough." she said feeling the fire of determination rise in her belly. She had to get over this. She had to. Eventually her fears would effect her job too deeply and then there would be hell to pay. She had to fight this off now.

Before losing her nerve she picked up her half eaten food and put it back in the replicator. She paused at the desk to check if a holodeck was open. Number 3 was, so she quickly reserved it and headed out of her quarters. Her eyes were cast down as she moved through the halls with determination. She only nodded brief greetings to any one who tried to say hello. She was in a mission, and she didn't know if she'd be able to do it or not.

When the lift dumped on to the proper deck for holodeck three, she felt her blood pressure go up. Her steps slowed and she'd barely made it half way there before her sandles were dragging on the carpet. Mercia felt the fears rising up so hard and fast it was almost choking her, and she wanted nothing more than to run back to her quarters and back in to bed, or maybe under the desk until David got off of work. The idea that she should go talk to him crossed her mind, but he was working. Bringing her personal stupid crisis to him now wouldn't be right.

Mercia leaned against the wall as she felt herself starting to have a hard time breathing. She closed her eyes and put her hands on her knees, bowing her head.

"Commander?" a voice said. "Are you alright?"

Mercia looked up at the crewman with a glare. "I'm fine." she snapped with frustration.

The woman blushed and nodded before rushing away as fast as she could. Mercia groaned as guilt joined fear in tightening her chest. This was ridiculous. Her head knew it was, but her body just would not let go of the fear. Was it irrational? Did she even have the power to get over it?

Pushing off the wall she stormed down the hall way until she came to holodeck three. Standing outside the door, she froze. ~Come on Mercia... its just lights and photons. Safeties work.. there's no intelligence programmed in...~ She recited to herself as she stared at the door.

~One step forward.~ she commanded herself, but her feet remained glued to the floor. ~Come on damn it! Just one step!~ She growled to her body. Hesitently she moved forward one more step and the big doors opened before revealing the silvery room with grid lines and the needed equipment to project the holograms. Her chest tightened at the sight and she gasped for air.

"Commander?" another voice said. A pair of security guards on their rounds paused.

Mercia hated being well known, she hated how public this was becoming, the urge to run grew even higher. "What?" she asked trying to be casual as she looked towards them.

"You seem to be in distress ma'am, are you in need of medical attention?" the Vulcan one of the pair asked.

"Do I really look like I'm hurt? I was just running and am out of breath." she lied.

The pair looked at each other and the trill male stepped closer, "Commander, maybe I should contact Counselor Caldera." he said his eyes glancing towards the open holodeck doors.

Mercia's face grew a deep red, "No!" she hissed. "Why would you do that?" she demanded.

"We all have fears and traumas Ma'am, I commend you for trying to do this, but maybe the counselor can help..." he suggested.

Mercia looked away anger rolling around inside of her. "Leave me the HELL alone!" she hissed. "I'm FINE." she said almost shouting.

"Commander I think that..." he started.

"I don't care what you think this is none of your buisness, walk away, finish y our rounds. I don't need the damn counselor, and if you call her I'll throw you in the brig." she hissed. It was an empty threat, the security officer wold be will within his rights to call Lizzy, but Mercia didn't care. "I'm not a child who needs her hand holding." she said turning her head back to the open door.

The guards looked taken aback, "Ma'am that is not what we intended to convay..."

"Back to your rounds! Forget you saw me, understand?" she snapped.

The trill held his hand up to the about to protest vulcan and nodded. "Have a good day Commander." he said then turned around and forced his companion to walk away as well.

Mercia stomped inside the room and the doors snapped shut. "Computer lock the doors." She jumped as they closed and she backed against the arch as panic started to swirl with in her. She turned and tipped her head against the console. "Its just fear, its not real... its not real..."

With a shaking hand she tapped a few buttons trying to open a basic scenery holographic area. Every time she hit a button wrong the computer beeped at her frustrating her further. Mercia peeked her eyes open and suddenly the room seemed to shrink. She gasped and backed against the door, she blinked her eyes as she looked in the room , the walls moved at her at a fast rate, making her instinctively raise her arms against the impending crash. Turning around she tried to claw at the seam of the door to make it open, "Open the damn doors!" she screeched.

Obeying her command the computer unlocked the door and she tumbled through, and Mercia scrambled away. Turning around and braced like a wild cat about to pounce she looked back and saw the room looked just as normal as it ever had. No crashing in walls. She put her head in her hands, ~Great now I'm hallucinating.~

Her heart was racing but now she was angry. Why was her mind doing this to her? She was trying damn it! She began to pace in the hall way shaking her hands and running them over her hair. She had to do this. She had to get over this fear. She'd never felt such terror before and this was tormenting, she hated it.

Mercia had no idea how much time had passed when she finally found herself in front of the doors again. It had been a while though, her legs felt almost jelly like with how much tension was running through them as she'd walked around the deck, making every one scurry out of the way. This isn't what she wanted. She wanted to walk in, turn on a program and be done with this bull shit.

Trying again she walked up to the doors but the closer she got the tighter her chest felt and the anxiety washed over her. Wanting to try a new tactic she loaded a beach program on the outside computer then stood back. After taking a deep breath with shaking hands she stepped forward.

The doors opened up and showed off a nice beach she normally enjoyed, with a few people on it giving it some life. She stepped inside and the doors shut. she blinked as the salty sea wind tousled her hair. Her throat felt hot, and painful as her wide eyes looked around.

A group of men were playing with a frisbee and run rushed right towards her as the disk landed in the sand at her feet.

"Damn." the male person said as he turned around. His voice sent alarm through Mercia. She looked up at the shirtless fellow as he jogged towards her. Her eyes landed on his face and every thing she feared rushed back at her. Elian! It was Elians face!

Mercia couldn't help the scream as she turned and ran the few steps back for the door. It took a few seconds too long for the door to respond to her rushing form and she tumbled back out in to the hall way. She threw herself against the wall next to the door, as if hiding as she panted. "Computer erase the current program."

"Current program is public file." the computer responded.

"Erase it damn it! now!"

The computer protested again, asking for her command code to comply since this beach scene was a popular program.

"Is Elian in the program?" she demanded.

The computer paused, "No likeness of the program Elian exists within this program."

Two off duty crewmen approached laughing before they paused seeing her. "Oh... do you need the holodeck? We had some time reserved..." one hesitated. No one wanted to take a holodeck away from the ships XO.

Mercia shook her head, the distraction shaking her out of her panic. "No I'm done" she said. Mercia moved off the wall and stormed down the hall way, two hours had gone before she'd known it and she was worse off than she was, because now she was making up closing in walls and seeing Elians face among holograms. She was getting nowhere and she hated herself for it. What the hell was she going to do?



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